Falling Up
by sarsaparillia
Summary: The world is fall-fall-falling apart; it is grey outside, and Tenten despairs. — Neji/Tenten.


More morbidity. There must be something wrong with me. There _must_ be. Especially because I _really_ like writing these things, in this format. And insomnia. I like insomnia.

**Disclaimer**: Not mine.

**Dedication**: To Eleni, because I love you, and to my brother, even though you're a fag. Also, to Erika, even though I know you hate this pairing.

---

The world is falling apart, Tenten thinks. Yes, yes, (_**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ apart,__ just like you_) down-ways and up-ways and sideways and other ways she doesn't even want to think about.

Nothing can hold it together, because there is nothing that can stop the destruction of the world. Not even duct-tape, and Tenten knows that if it is not fixable by duct-tape and kisses, there is really no point in trying.

But the world is not fixable by duct-tape, and _certainly_ not by kisses (_and oh, god, you're trying __**so damn hard **__but it's just __never-never-never__ enough, is it?_), and Tenten thinks that maybe, just _maybe_ this is what losing is like.

And Tenten hates losing (_because it's worse then __**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__, and almost as painful_). She always has, and she always, _always_ will.

Because losing means she is weak, and Tenten _is not weak_. She is not beautiful like Ino (_too many __**scars**_), can't heal like Sakura (_**no**__**patience**__ for saving lives_), not shy-but-dangerous like Hinata (_Hinata? Not like __**Neji**__ you mean, and that makes __all the difference_), and not the rough, gritty power that Temari constantly exudes (_she beat you once; remember?_), but she _is not weak_.

Tenten has worked, so long, and _**so damn hard**_ to be strong, to perfect her aim, to be _worth_ something.

Because if one is not worth something, then what is the point? Tenten may not be able to play the damsel in distress, but, then again, she has never wanted to. Tenten would much prefer to be the knight, saving lives and fighting off dragons, but, really, in the end, all she can do is protect Neji's single blind spot.

But she figures this is enough. It proves she is strong, because he would not trust _just anyone_ with something as important as _his life_.

And even though this is the truth, and what they have is just friendship, Tenten can still feel herself (_**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**_) losing control.

Tenten hates losing control almost more then she hates losing, in general. It's just a loss of a different sort; a sort she can not stand.

It is because of this hatred of losing of any sort that Tenten is who she is. She has had constant encouragement (_yes, and you can still hear Lee __**cheer**__-__**cheer**__-__**cheering**__ you on, even though __neither of you had a chance_), but she is not sure if it is enough.

Tenten does not want to be alone.

She wants Neji to stay, and Lee, and yes, even crazy Gai-sensei. Without them, Tenten feels like she is nothing. The other girls (_Ino and Sakura and Hinata, yes? And Temari? Yes, of course…_) feel the same way. Of course they do; the boys are really all they have.

Family is not something any true shinobi wants to hang onto, because when they do, they get dangerously emotional. Shinobi must stay cool and calm at all times.

But family does not make one weak. It makes one strong, because one with someone else to care about becomes ten thousand times stronger. Tenten has experienced this, and she wonders if anyone else sees it the way she does.

But she is very tired. So very, very tired. She's not even sure what she's tried of, just that she _is_.

She blinks at her bathroom mirror, and wonders what she is tired of. Is it the dirt-colour hair? Is it the nose? The same mud-colour brown eyes?

Tenten knows she is not beautiful (_too, __**too many scars**__, just like __mother always said_), but to have it shoved in her face in such a way… that hurts. Yes, it hurts, but Tenten knows not to dwell on it.

Besides, she thinks, Ino got the worst of it. She was the one that the creepo's son wanted, and _got_, in the end. Tenten knows that Ino will not be able to think of herself the same way, because she _did_ see the way Ino was so obsessively washing her hands…

But getting clean is so much harder then getting dirty; and Tenten wonders if there was anything she could have done to help her friend. She just hopes that the knives she gave will not kiss undeserving flesh.

Tenten has been there, in that dark, quiet place, and does not want to return (_because that's where you fell in the first place, __**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ down that hole to the dark_).

It was not a pleasant place (_and you can still remember the horror in Neji's eyes when he first saw the scars, can't you?_). Not a pleasant place at all.

And the world is falling apart. Tenten can see it, in the grim morning light when Lee is bleeding so much that she thinks he may just die (_and you were __**scream**__-__**scream**__-__**screaming**__ for __someone__ to save him, but no one could, not even Sakura_). It was merely luck that Ino (_broken and bruised and empty-eyed Ino_) was there stem the blood flow.

Lee will live, Tenten knows, but he won't really be _Lee_ anymore. He's in a situation too precarious to really be _Lee_.

They have all seen, heard, _felt_ too much, and it almost makes Tenten sick.

But of course, she's stronger then that. She tries not to think about the fact that she hated the sight of Lee's blood, more then she had ever hated anything. There was just something so utterly _terrifying_ about it (_are people __**supposed**__ to __**bleed**__ so much?! Go away, go away, go away, __go awa__-_)…

And the worst part was the fact that Tenten couldn't do anything about it. She is not meant for healing, and she knows this, but really, it is _so damn scary_, especially when he's lying on a hospital bed, and she's holding his cold, lifeless hand, and-

But she shakes the thoughts away, and stares at her reflection again. Not pretty. Not beautiful. Scarred. So many scars.

Tenten reaches up, and traces the scar on her collarbone. It should never have happened. Never. If she had been paying attention like she was supposed to have been, it _never would have happened_.

And maybe Lee wouldn't be so damn close to dying.

Tenten looks away, ashamed. She does not want to see the almost-innocence that has always been part of her face. Almost innocent.

But never truly innocent, because the first time Tenten killed, she was only six years old, and she hardly even remembers it.

And that is why the world is falling apart (_**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__, just like the shards of glass from the broken window where Ino was __**scream**__-__**scream**__-__**screaming**_).

Not just because she doesn't remember her first kill - most shinobi don't, after all - but because of how old she was. No child should be killing at six.

And it led to some interesting things, least of all the scars that she inflicted on herself, and that Sakura say will never, ever go away. They will be there for the rest of Tenten's life. Sakura sighs, and shakes her head.

But Tenten knows that it is a good thing they will never leave. Perhaps they make her physically ugly, but they remind her of the fact that her personality is _not_ ugly, and that she is a good person.

Not a _clean_ person, but a good one all the same. After all, 'clean' and 'good' are two different things entirely.

So Tenten walks to her bed, and drops down there, limbs askew on the mattress. She is so very tired.

Perhaps she will sleep, she thinks, just for a little while. Just long enough to feel like she has given her body a chance to rest; she feels like a wound spring, tense and ready to explode.

So she closes her eyes, and takes a slow, soft breath. There will be time to see Lee and Neji and even weird, old Gai tomorrow.

Tenten needs sleep.

But she knows she will not get it.

---

She does not know when she falls asleep, just as she does not know when she wakes. Time is a questionable thing, to Tenten, and sometimes she thinks her memories may be a little bit… wrong (_was it before or after the Chuunin exams that you realized you hated the sight of blood? You can't remember, can you…?_).

But even if they are wrong, she knows that, at the very least, they _happened_.

Then again, lots of things happened, and Tenten has always been a dreamer. Sometimes, her dreams are so real, they take the place of her _real_ memories, so instead of seeing Lee smiling, she thinks he's gone and died.

Then she remembers that it does not do to dwell on dreams, and shakes it away with a shudder. She doesn't know what the hell she's thinking.

But the world is still falling apart (_**of**__**course**__**it**__**is**__, did you think it would __stop__ just because you realize that you're __**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ into __something like insanity__?_).

It is grey outside, and Tenten despairs.

---

She is wearing a raincoat the colour of the sky in deep afternoon -a bright blue (_**happy**__-__**happy**__-__**happy**__, so __unlike you_)-, and she reaches the training ground almost half an hour later.

She doesn't care. The rain is not warm enough to dance in, when it's even there at all. It is a grey day, and it matches Tenten's mood almost perfectly. It matches her mood far better then the raincoat she is wearing now.

She doesn't let it get to her.

But Neji is not at the training ground, and Tenten realizes that she is _really_ all alone.

She almost laughs, bitter and tired and (_**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ apart just like the rest of the world_) _so exhausted_ of _**everything**_. Then she sinks to her knees, to rest.

It is not long before she is lying on her back, staring at the sky. It is still grey, and Tenten thinks that it may start raining soon. If it starts raining, she may get sick. If she gets sick, she will not be able to train. If she is not able t train, she will be useless to Lee and Gai-sensei and-… and-… and to Neji, although, she thinks that she is already somewhat useless to Neji, because he isn't here.

And Neji _never_ misses practice. Never.

So Tenten lays there, on the cold ground, and stares at the cloudy, grey sky. She traces pictures in those clouds, outlining them with a finger, and then she tells herself stories to pass the time.

She has decided she will not move from this spot until someone she cares about comes to find her. She knows that no one will come, because no one will miss her absence.

This thought hurts, and she winces as she sits up, to look around.

And then she sees Neji, staring at her bemusedly, a slight smile on his face.

Tenten studies him. He looks the same as always - immaculate white shirt, perfect dark pants, _annoyingly_ perfect hair… He is also carrying a bag. This is new. But he is still Neji. Always Neji.

He walks over to her, also carrying an umbrella. So he thought it was going to rain, too, did he? Did he think the sky was going to cry for Lee, like she did?

Probably not.

"Can I sit?" he asks, and she nods (_you would __never say no__, not to him, even if you __**did**__ love someone else… which, sadly, you don't_). He drops the bag next to her, and sits down (_just so graceful that it __**hurts**__-__**hurts**__-__**hurts**_).

Tenten half-smiles at him. She does not have the energy to smile fully. It has all been taken up, worrying about Lee, and just what may happen to him.

She does not want the only brother she has ever known to die.

And it starts to rain, the cloudy (_**grey**__-__**grey**__-__**grey**__ like your mood_) sky cracking open and pouring out torrents of rain. Tenten can only close her eyes, and for a moment, she allows herself to pretend that they are just kids - that neither of them have ever killed, and that Lee is not dying in the hospital.

With the rain hitting her face, she thinks that maybe, in another life, it just might be alright.

But this is the only world she has, the only one she wants. Her voice cracks when she says "Look Neji, the sky is crying for Lee."

And then she almost sobs, because now she _is_ allowed to cry, because when the sky cries, the whole _world_ cries (_even if it is __**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ apart_). There are hot, wet tears running down Tenten's cheeks, and she hopes to _god_ that he can't see them.

She would never want Neji to think she were so weak as to _cry_.

He doesn't say anything in reply, but the rain on Tenten's face cuts off, and she is surprised to see an umbrella-roof over her head. She almost laughs - a watery, broken, _scared_ laugh -, but, of course she doesn't.

"You were getting wet," he says as way of explanation, but Tenten silently wonders if it is more then that.

But then again, perhaps he is just being Neji, just like always.

She looks at him, tilting her head to the side. She always does this when she examines something, and this is no different. She examines him the way she would examine a battle field; carefully, meticulously, checking every single possible way of intrusion, every possible means of failure.

But in the end, she doesn't find anything other then the Neji she has known for ten years. Of course; did she expect anything different? (_The honest answer is '__**yes'**__, you know. You expect him to love you, but he's stupid and he doesn't and-_)

The rain is warm, Tenten finds. It has changed, from how it was before. Not cold, anymore (_or maybe it's just that your perception of 'cold' has changed…_).

Even though her hair is soaked, and coming out of it's double-dun style that is so easy to move in, and even though her face is just as soaked as her hair, it is not cold (_no, not cold, but you can feel yourself __**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ apart in the __worst way_).

So she turns to Neji, and, with another energy-lacking half-smile, she says "Do you want to come dancing with me?"

She poses it as a question, but she already knows the answer. Neji does not do thing as undignified as _dancing_.

Because she already knows his answer, just from the look on his face, she stands up, and dusts off her hands. Fine. If he does not want to dance with her in the rain, then she will dance on her own (_you want him to dance with you, don't you? __You want him to tell you it's alright__…_)

Tenten drops her robin's-egg-blue rain coat on the ground next to Neji. She won't need it; she is planning to get wet, and stay wet.

And so she closes her eyes, and raises her face to the sky. She does not cry. Tenten is too strong to cry.

But soon, the music of the rain takes over her body, and she forgets where she is. She forgets that Neji is still watching, and she forgets that Lee may be _dying_. She forgets the scars, and the mud-brown hair and eyes, and she forgets that the world is falling apart (_just like you, __**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ to pieces of broken china_).

She doesn't know how long she dances. She doesn't want to know, either. This is Tenten's time to be Tenten. It may be a Tenten held down by grief, a Tenten who is too weak to not cry, a Tenten who is not beautiful or perfect, a Tenten who can not fly… But it is a Tenten.

And she supposes this is all that really matters.

She hears soft laughter behind her, and she whirls around, to see Neji. He is still wearing the bemused smile, but now he looks contemplative.

Tenten silently dares him to _really_ laugh at her. She knows where that blind spot is, and she knows _exactly_ how to hit it. She thinks that he had better not make her mad; he would live to regret it.

"You're weird," is all he says.

"Yes," she says simply in reply, and then she turns her back on him. She does not need to elaborate. She is Tenten, and he is Neji and she is (_**fall**__-__**fall**__-__**falling**__ apart; why can't he see you're __falling apart__?!_) tired of trying to be something she is not.

She does not need to prove herself to him. It is really none of his business, anyways.

And then she feels someone gently slip their hand into hers, and she does not dare hope. She turns to look at Neji, and all he says is "You're right. The sky is crying for Lee."

And Tenten has never been happier.


End file.
